captain, thank you very much. and that is it for us tonight. be sure to tune in tomorrow night for a special live edition. we'll continue our investigation in to the disappearance of malaysia flight 370. tonight "on red eye." >> coming up. should we stop taking their picture and start asking questions? why the media is terrified to learn how smart they really are. plus, what does alec baldwin think of the new book title compared to the last one? >> i like it is edgier. how does he predict the book will end? >> another nail biter. finally, jelly beans. delicious candy or world's deadlyist choking hazard. the stories tonight. and now let's welcome our guests. don't go changing to try to please her. you have certainly let her down before. due to the impossibly high
standards, unrealistics expectations. i'm here with joann. if any happier he might crack a smile. probably not. he's a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad man. he's so sophisticated his monokl has the monocall. no problem, man. and it is 16 year-old girlfriend disappeared under a cloufd circumstance. which is no big deal. she was a runway anyway. no one will miss her? just like all the rest. silting next to me is jesse. he'll be performing in portland, oregon april 2nd through the 6th. road trip! all right.
anyway, it made us puke. the day i block count up. >> justin bie justin bieber is amazingly talented at basketball. he's as braggy as the pants are saggy. he uploaded a video on instagram. whatever it is. displaying the sweet skills on a one-on-one game with manager. let's take a look. >> yeah. i'm not sure what is better. justin's dribbling or scooters's acting. it's what bieber neesds. more adults enabling his seflt
absorbed antics. can we see it in slow motion? yes. it's not the first time he posted a basketball vid dwroe instagram. u who can forget these earth-shaking moves? >> yeah! i love that. can i see it again? he truly is america's vomit. jesse, you spend years as a busboy at dave and busters. that game responding athletic talent already in their teens. is he really that good?
[ laughter ] >> well, you know, despite all the rue nors. they scheduled a one-on-one home run competition with joe jackson. they're doing a rap about it. i think he really per son fies the canadian man mantra. they're the only nation the attitude is like i'm so much better than you. why don't you give and and. i think there is something to be said. he seemed to be a bottomless reskeptical for love. it flows through him. like an emotional diarrhea. it is more gross for a manager. a grown man who has to fall down for a rich kid or falling all the way to the bank? >> that's the thing. we're supposed to laugh at the poor guy in the video. plenty of people make a good
living losing games to millionaires. look at the knicks. [ laughter ] >> that was good. [ applause ] >> thank you. >> i thought you were going say something like the washington generals. you did one better. >> yeah. i made a more topical joke. are they bad? >> yeah. they are bad. and they are basketball. so that is important. jo ann, you dated pop stars and athletes. let make bieber your dream man? >> i wish he wasn't wearing a shirt in that video. he's usually topless, isn't he? it's more exciting. >> yes. >> i don't know why these people keep letting him win. he a match once against shaq, usher. shaq, shaquille 0 kneel? that's what we call him? it sounded weird when i said it. >> that's not what you call him in private. anyway, go ahead. >> they let him win when he was
a kid. i get it. now he's older. unless, this is my thinking, his manager said i'll do the video for you if you have five minutes of not being a -- a trade-off. >> bieber's performance affect your march madness bracket? >> not in the least. i thought the manager. then i realized it was the half-hearted groan from the proce pos posse. he elbows the guy next to him that forgot. and they roll their eyes and wish they were dead. you have something this is why bieber is the way he is. he's surrounded by yes men. who won't stop him from doing something stupid and feed the pitiful ego. he needs to hire a person who smacks him in the face when he does something stupid.
>> he's surrounded by people who are afraid to tell him to make mistakes. he continues to make the mistake. enough. about president obama. >> nice segue! if eva browne's nickname's was scooter. it would have been so adorable. >> this is not justin. selena broke his heart. everything he does now is try to say i'm still here. groomed for a meltdown. he's going to make leaf garrett look like the comeback kid. he actually that bad at basketball? that actually looked good to me. the viewers might not know this. i'm not actually an athlete. >> no, you're not. >> in high school i was the cautionary example of the kid who quit the sports team for alcohol and drugs. now i'm on tv. >> when you went to the beach
you wore a shirt. in the water. >> why? >> you strike me as a man who wears stilts there. [ laughter ] >> because they sink directly in the san sand. >> i tried so many ways. >> the kind of guy that stretches before he plays chess. >> that's true. and you strike me as the guy who -- >> yeah. and it is the joke you've used before. >> you strike me as the guy most likely to wear a purple sweater and use the phrase "bottomless receptacle." three minutes ago. there that was my nickname in college. for reasons i can't get in to here. i've had enough of the story and jesse. we're asking him to leave. until he apologized. it is furry and full of furry. a family in oregon. called 9-1-1 after the 22 pound cat attacked their 9 month old baby. it forced the couple to hide in
the bedroom. listen to the 9-1-1 call. >> caller: 9-1-1. >> caller: hi, i have a particular emergency here. it just went off, over the edge. and we aren't safe around the cat. it is a very large himalayan. it is charging at our bedroom door. we're in the bedroom. >> one moment, okay? >> caller: did you hear him? i think that was the cat. >> caller: tell them to be careful, the police. >> caller: i will. [ laughter ] >> very rarely do you laugh on a 9-1-1 call. now the family is planning to get the animal help. i believe it is code for skin barbecue. the family's other two cats have been forced to wear protection.
[ laughter ] you know, it is funny. the cat is going how can you sleep with the thing on? he's like don't worry. i don't know if they were saying that because they are cats. for no reason in particular. what should you do if a cat flips like this. it must happen often. >> you should shoot the [ bleep ]. >> oh. no, but a man who uses foul language. i am. the best part of that 9-1-1 tape is after you hear the cat screech, the guy goes i think it was the cat. really? wow. you're a rocket scientist over here. >> you could have an animal sound effects machine going. that's the cat. you never know. >> ting was the cat. it was probably the cat. >> jesse you once called 9-1-1. when you locked yourself in a hot topic bathroom. was it embarrassing? >> i did lock my keys in my own trunk. it was a foolish exercise in
stupidity and drunkenness. >> sorry if it brings back the memory. >> i didn't have any qualms around it at the time. >> it kept you from driving. >> it sure did. >> or did it? >> the locks smith is a 24-hour job. it sucks. so is the surgeon. he has to pull a bullet out of somebody. a locks smith is on call 24-hours a day and has to help drunk people get their keys out. >> they make good money. >> you are so grateful. it is amazing. >> he came in the pjs. that's how badly. he's like, sorry. cat story. this is about cats. talk about biting the hand that feeds you pork rinds. [ laughter ] i liked it when you were talking about locks smith. >> i knew it was a weak joke. that's why you were working hard to get over there. >> yeah. >> will.
this is an interesting story to me because i have talked about it before. i don't think 9-1-1 calls should be pub luck. when embarrassing things happen you'reless likely to call. let say you. >> let's say i. >> weird owe. the happiest point the dad -- not to be gender normative. the dad should be pretty embarrassed by the inability to take down the house cat. not going to work out for you in the manson family arrives or dick hick cook breaks in or something. it was a truman copote reference. "in cold blood" i believe. >> we all read. [ laughter ] >> i read the notes in school. we the discussion earlier. you disagree. you believe having 9-1-1 calls public and on television could keep you from doing embarrassing things. it is a pervert preventer.
>> yes. but i do want to get on tv more. >> yeah. >> so it is like i got to weigh it out. how embarrassing is it. it is pretty embarrassing. the thing is cats are actually docile creatures. they are supposed to be sweet tempered and crave affection. i don't know what went wrong here. it is interesting that the family is getting this cat therapy. >> yeah. >> if they were housing a foreign exchange student,let say, and it attacked their newborn, that person would be behind bars. the fact we give animals second and third chances is beyond me. >> it is so true. >> more importantly, they're not getting the kid therapy. that kid got attacked bay john goodman of cats. [ laughter ] the s.w.a.t. team kicked in the front door. >> he's going have a complex for the rest of his life. >> what an adorable child. >> it is the question of whether the cat was provoked. >> oh, blame the kit kid. >> i'm not saying it was the
kid. it could be. babies are little terrorists. >> they are. they really are. a lot of times when animals act like this it is because they've been mistreated. >> interesting. >> my only point i'm glad the child is okay. 9-1-1 calls should not be public. what if you were doing something embarrassing. you would rather die literally than die of embarrassment. you might have fallen on something and you can't remove it because your arms are too short. or tied. >> yeah. >> and, like, i can't -- i'm not going to call 9-1-1 if that is going to end up. >> the best is when you call and they're like hey, greg. >> exactly. >> stretch armstrong or gi joe. we have to find out what kind of tools we need. >> stretch armstrong is bad. when you try to extract it it keeps stretching. >> you better get inside the front. >> it is a prank toy for me.
[ laughter ] that would be so embarrassing. if your house -- by hanging himself from the bottom drawer of the dresser. [ laughter ] you're so little. [ laughter ] a lot of people use lower -- it's all people -- [ laughter ] my point is, if you are in trouble, you will not make that phone call. because precisely my point. your point is correct. >> right. >> despite trying to insult me. >> and succeeding in it. >> all right. should we pay for their protection? it is the subject of tonight's. there we go. all right.
welcome to the red eye debate. i'm greg hosting the debate. the university of virginia you know where that is. in virginia. it is hosting the first condom olympics. free food, game, prizes, free condom, and free lube. students can learn about proper condom use, safe and effective forms of birth control, sex facts and trivia. as if they need it. a sexy event for sexy coeds maybe. as bright bart noted it is funded by tuition and taxpayer contributions when they are reducing financial aid assistance. we go to reproductive rights activist. assistance. >> i didn't think that would
payoff. >> he will never have sex again. >> we have all been there. >> if only it disappeared as quickly. >> they cut financial aid, but they paid for things the college students already know. >> it is deplorable. i am being serious. they receive over $100 million in taxpayer money and they are cutting financial aid. a few other things, one, nobody uses condoms after high school. >> that is not true. >> let's move on. >> let's not do that. >> again, we are in denial about it. >> are you saying you haven't had sex since high school? >> my girlfriend's parents are watching. >> you have really impressed them so far.
can i take this back on track? we are getting away. >> your girlfriend's parents would say i would be happier if he dated that comic. >> that's low. some of the classes here one of them -- >> i'm sorry, will, we are out of time. >> shouldn't the real olympics be about finding a job? it is not about sex, but welding . >> it turns out we have a few more minutes. >> this is preparing them for our careers. maybe sex work is the only thing they are qualified for. >> you are absolutely right. i wish i got into the business. you school prepared me. the universities and college campuses have a bunch of these sorts of fares. interestingly enough they were supposed to have health
professionals and leaders at these olympics. one of the students there, she said on facebook that no one was there. they were sitting around with condoms on them. and that's what the event was. that's a waste of money. >> are students being taught about safe sex is like teaching orangutans about feces. >> i learned that. i have to start throwing them out. >> they are not quite as strong so give them a try. >> this was a three-hour event. twos -- it was three hours to tell college kids wear a condom if you are going have sex. >> we needed a story because it is a slow news day. >> condoms were donated by a company called global protection corp which is a
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justin timberlake, zaz -- zac-efron, the uni-bomber. it was her personal conquest list. she was trying to impress her friends and then tossed it aside like so many lovers. there is a video of lohan throwing herself on another young actor. >> is that a kiss? >> not a kiss. >> really? >> i thought it would end badly. >> you are a dirty sweaty man. why isn't your name on this list? did they blur it out?
>> the mall has a strict policy about not having sex with lyndsay lohan. the uni-bomber and that's why it was scrawled on a cocktail napkin. did you see the list? it is a printed list. it is like a tax form. it is like her 401k. i think she is planning on writing all of those dudes off on her taxes so she can get a deduction on her veltrix. >> i like how you stump -- stumbled through that. joanne, have you ever made a list like this? twitter fans would like to know. is eric nies on it. >> no to both of those. if there is anything i learned in my several years of bartending is never trust a bartender. they got this supposed list from the bar she was at. you don't know if this is her hand writing. you don't know what this list was.
it probably was a list of everybody she slept with and her hand writing. her docu-series on the own network did not do well. i am rooting for her. >> this could be what her career needs, a list of men she slept with. >> yes, it needs something. a little spice. >> half of these names were blurred. speculate wildly who they could be. >> henry kissinger, the late patrick moynahan. i have written two jokes. i know we are supposed to make fun of these people, but couldn't zach efron use a hit? >> aren't you going to read the jokes? >> you are stealing my spotlight . >> and we are out of time. >> who is bragging about sleeping with wilbur
valderama? what is this 2003? >> gutted -- good one. >> by the way she lost her virginity to valderama. it is a common fact. that's what he did in hollywood was de flower the start lets. and look what that did to his career. she filled up the list easily. >> we should point out this is unrest in lohan and let's stop saying she accidentally left the list at the bar. oh look what accidently left my hand and left at the bar. and let's be honest this is the list she remembers. the actual list has to be 10 times. >> members of congress, exotic animals. >> could be daniel patrick moynahan. >> no, he was a great man. he would never stoop to such
levels. >> she is at a bar. >> maybe she is turning over a new leaf in re-- in rehab. >> this happened in january of 2013. >> do you see how blurry her hand writing is? >> you owe me an apology. >> i thought you would be sensitive without rehab. >> wow. >> it looks like john travolta's to do lest. >> you mean a list of people's careers he wants to help? >> allegedly. >> we have to go. coming up, the c block. tonight's c block is brought to you by the closest star to the sun. inside the g cloud.
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with esurance, 7 1/2 minutes could save you on car insurance. welcome to the modern world. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. carried away. i guess the pun would work if you knew what i was talking about. it is a decision to present "carrie, the musical." do you see the carried away thing and how it connects? it was adapted from steven king's novel and contains mature material. the school board said it will emit any parts from the script. arguing the musical focus on bullying and the dangers of reading steven king novels. jesse, i have to ask were you in musicals in high school or were you busy mutilating neighbors' pets? >> i was in musicals in high school. >> i figured you must have
been. >> i did "oklahoma." >> did you play a tree? >> no, i was a cowboy. they did promise it would be different from the movie. this time everyone in the high school will get made fun of. >> i guess. will, did the school board make the right decision here? >> on one level i love this. it is a great kind of bad movie, but whacked out. it is fun. teenagers should watch it sm i know how high schools work. you know how she kills everyone, wut they will have it she goes to college and diversity makes us awesome and she works for unicef. >> the bullying won't be like it was in the movie. >> it is sexting and take off
your shirt and send me a photo. >> are these parents upset their children are wasting their futures on a hobby that will never get them job security in the future? they are using the play as a excuse? >> hell hath no fury like a stage mom scorned. wasn't that good? >> i love dickens. >> i love that. the stage mom. my daughter didn't get the lead so i will boycott the show. there are worse musicals you could do. in high school i performed in " chicago" which is about a bunch of women who murder their husbands in scantily clad outfits. and there wasn't a stink about that. >> and wasn't pippen -- pippen was about cannibalism. >> did we all know "carrie" was a musical?
>> it lasted a week on broadway and it got horrible reviews and closed. you hate it when i bring up facts. >> wasn't fiddler on the roof about a chronic masturbator who lived on the top of his house. >> that was dibbler on the roof. >> that was a kennedy cousin. >> should schools get rid of musicals completely to avoid this controversy? >> no, but they should get rid of musicals so people don't have to sit through that. >> you hate musicals. >> i respect the opinion of the parents who thinks a bloody prom may not be appropriate for high school. everybody backs down these days so i, do it. >> that was a strong commentary. you were fair and balanced all in one.
>> it was a prom covered in blood. >> at the end of carrie -- >> i i know what happened. >> when i heard it was a musical about carrie i thought it was about a young horse trying to make a it in new york city. >> that took a second, but it was worth it. >> from you an aspiring hack you ride free on amtrak. amtrak is accepting application for rider res residency program that will provide a free round trip ticket on on a long distance train. up to 24 people will be accepted . a passion for writing and as separation to travel for inspiration. you can brag about how you duped amtrak into getting a free ticket for your stupid, stupid writing. do you see this as a stupid program or a stupid program?
>> i am totally applying to it. >> you get smashed in the cafe car and thinking about her. >> also the problem is so amtrak will review these writing samples. a bunch of government trained bureaucrats. i think that's how we got arrive magazine. >> the person who wrote the amtrak -- >> snob, snob, snob. everybody has to be educated. jesse, we subsidize the writers and now we sub subsidize the right ers. it is a massive federal subsidee. >> hospital they be not giving away stuff when we are paying for them. >> i don't know about the guys in their fancy trains. but they take a lot of buses and there is a lot of riding
on buses. every time i get on one i am next to somebody writing four prescriptions for oxycontin and maybe a suicide note. >> i write on the bus. things like i am watching you and drop it on their lap going to the bathroom. >> i am green so using my own feces means no pen or paper. >> is this something i can blame your nasty generation on as well as obama is and the jews ? >> my generation is so smart. it started with two girls. wouldn't it be great if you offer a residency for writers? amtrak responded, we can work something out and that is how this began. do i think this is pushing it
a little far? maybe. power to them. i like the bottles of wine you can buy. >> i like going to baltimore. >> you don't have to watch the wire. just watch amtrak. andy, i can see you on a a train for a longtime, far away. maybe not even returning. >> i love trains. train travel is fantastic. >> i think this is a decent chance this will result in more ticket sales. there is nothing more exciting than watching a writer at work. people will be riding these trains thinking i could be on a train with a writer and watch him stair out the window and get drunk and think about her. >> that's the life. >> all right. i don't care. i have to promote a book. we have more stuff on the way. we will take a break. my back comes out on tuesday. if you haven't ordered it yet,
what are you doing to me? do you not like me? i have been doing this show for seven years. it comes out to a penny a show. 31 cities, 11 days. a penny a show, people. here is a look at where i am going to be. you have changed it? all right, stop yelling at me. i am going to be there. i can visit me. g gutfeld.com and find out where i am going to be. (meow mix jingle) right on cue. (laughs) it's more than just a meal, it's meow mix mealtime.
bob will retire when he's 153, which would be fine if bob were a vampire. but he's not. ♪ he's an architect with two kids and a mortgage. luckily, he found someone who gave him a fresh perspective on his portfolio. and with some planning and effort, hopefully bob can retire at a more appropriate age. it's not rocket science. it's just common sense. from td ameritrade. president self-evident? it is time for tonight's -- >> "red eye eye" debate, 2014 live from the" red eye" debate center. >> i am greg gutfeld, host of
the "red eye" debate. we appreciate if you refrain from using flash frof fee from from -- photography. j -- why is he always a limb? they ranked harrison ford james marshall as number one. others in the mix included morgan free man in "deep impact." martin sheen in the west wing and kevin klein and bill be bob thorton in the worst movie of all time. "love actually." jesse, rut president of the steven dorpf fan club. you are big into politics. >> and the only member. that sucks because coming up there is a term limit. coming up after the third term i don't know who will take over. >> who should be picked?
>> you brought up a point. they didn't mention an american president. there are a lot of fictional presidents, the president of animal house. the cling ons and the ex-presidents, the bank surfing presidents in "point break." >> fictional presidents are portrayed as liberals. is this an example of the jirks who write these movies? say yes. >> let's rank them. number one, bill pole man, independence day. he is republican and gives the awesome speech. two, he is republican and i like his eyes. and the last one "love actually" no," contender" is the worst movie ever. jeff bridges in "contender." if you haven't seen it knock off off -- actually ends in
four hour daughters. that's how seriously it took itself. it ripped off the worst parts of the american president. he should have been shot for that. >> you hate this movie. >> i don't like it, greg. >> i can tell. >> that's scary. >> as a shallow person do you rank the president based on looks? >> of course. i liked his eyes too. there are not a lot of presidents in the chick flicks i watch. i did recently see white house down. again i don't watch a lot of movies and it came a year ago. jamie foxx played the president something. he should have been named president obama. everything he was doing was similar. even down to chewing the gum, the nicorete gum. >> really?
>> i liked the movie. who is the beef cake? >> channingtatum? >> i liked him better. >> because he was white? i noticed you thought jamie foxx was like obama because -- i guess it is because he is black. >> your racism gets deeper and deeper every day. >> anyway, andy, he gave the best speech ever and then threw a jet at aliens. how can he not win? >> i think we can agree the worst fictional president is barak hussein obama. >> ladies and gentlemen. >> he spent most of the movie being a wimp and then redeems himself at the end. basically he spent the whole movie acting like a democrat. and then he acted like a republican. . >> there is a failure to evacuate the cities. at the same time eleanor clif st st -- terrorized him.
>> the east coast was wiped out by a tsunami. if it was from new york to dc he would beacon serve tiff. be conservative. >> there is lses -- also the one left off is in "the fifth element, the lazy eyed giant autistic president who looks like forest whitaker on steroids. >> go back and watch. >> i love that movie. >> my favorite fictional president, abraham lincoln. >> daniel day-lewis played a great one. >> he is fictional. >> by the way, when you did the obama thing, do you know people are leak, oh, he beat me to it. >> how dare you, sir?
>> we will talk about something special. >> i don't know what made you do that. [ music and whistling ] when you go the extra mile to help business owners save on commercial auto insurance, you tend to draw a following. [ brakes screech ] flo: unh... [ tires squeal, brakes screech, horn honks ] ooh, ooh! [ back-up beeping, honking ] a truckload of discounts for your business -- now, that's progressive.
last story. that's the last story. >> is it more s is it more sorrow for fans at sbarro? sbarro ripping out the soul of food court lovers across the nation. the chain planned to close 150 locations we, at red eye would like to remind our viewers when something like this happens it's not about pizza, but it's about the people. ♪ [ music ] ♪ [ music ] >> awesome.
>> by the way sbarro is a great place. i feel bad but hopefully those people will find other jobs. >> jesse, you worked at food courts. >> you picked this because of me >> you did give stories to everybody today. >> yes. serious cat story for andy. then high school musical story for will, and importance of using condoms for you. because, you know, nobody should have a adult child that size. >> anyway. >> i'm saying your parents should have used a condom. >> all right. >> i kind of agree with that. >> will, i think you've never eaten at a sbarro at your life, it's a great lace with great people. >> arby's can be next.
>> yes. it could. salty stores have to be paired with sweet stores. bass kin robbins with pizza hut. you know? you have to pair. there is a pizza hut taco bell combination. >> that killed your theory. >> dunkin doughnuts and what? >> baskin robbins >> there are no words that bee begin with "sb". so they're at a disadvantage. >> you know s' more stands for something. what does it stand for? >> can i have some more? >> we don't have the information. >> andy?
>> to me, pizza and tech. >> avoid red pepper flakes. >> yes. >> [ female announcer ] who are we? we are thinkers. the job jugglers. the up all-nhts. and the ones who turn ideas into action. we've made our passions our life's work. we strive for the moments where we can s, "i did it!" ♪ we are entrepreneurs who started it all...
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this is a fox news alert. new details into missing malaysia airlines flight 370. the investigation now criminal. hello and welcome to justice. i'm jeanine pirro. it's been eight days since the flight carrying 239 people disappeared. the malaysian prime minister now says the jet was deliberately diverted. with the latest on the investigation, mike cohen is in the philippines. mike? >> what we've seen here in the philippines is malaysian police searching the home of the pilot